I thought you were going to be tall, that your eyes were going to be sparkling white with no filth in it whatsoever. I honestly thought you were going to be soft, kind, a smooth talker with romantic poems and a fellow with Barry White’s voice- one I would like to hear sing to me before bed time or call me baby. You said you could cuddle me when I wanted and carry me to the ends of the world making me feel like a queen with servants and a chariot. It’s different you know? Imagination and reality- totally different. One never thinks to expect different- the dream of being different is alive but not the expectation- all you hear is “I expect you to have done this or that”. Am not even sure anymore what to expect- I keep looking at you in the mirror but can’t find a reason to be disgusted by you- never what I wanted but now all I desire. Such desires don’t happen or do they? Letting myself go to accept others, isn’t what I do- I like it done my own way, my own intelligence brought me this far, so why do you question my intelligence? How do you know what you know about me? How do you know what I ought to do? You make me clean, you feed me with peace. What a rare thing in this chaotic world. I never knew love like this before. I wanted you six feet, white robe, with big enough palms where I could play my fingers in like a guitar, I imagined I could fond le with your hair and I could sing a song on your thighs when you sit and I could lay my head on your chest. Not a hairy chest in my imagination though. Never one. I imagined you all shiny and glittery with a lamb stand in your heart as your heart beats. I heard of you before but didn’t think I was good enough for you. Thought I was too small for you but now I see you just as me, a copy of me, a shadow like me. Occupying my heart, instructing me- piercing my thoughts with ways to go, filling me up till am satisfied, so satisfied I want more of you, never wanting to be famished or un filthy- as you seek my purity. Purity that fills me even when I have nothing, you fill me when I have so much want and need from things I see all around me, speaking silently of things I should let go of and ways I should begin to utter my words so those around me don’t think am foolish or wise, making me act in ways that make me seem content. A talker like me, a chatter box with better words, you are a copy of me that isn’t a he or a she. Leaving me alone when I, only I chase you away with sin which brings out the unhappy in me that makes me rave at things I should never even bother of or lament on as those things would soon pass. A spirit so holy as you, one I see I must hold on to for my life’s rest days, one I see will cure of the insanity around me that makes me imitate it, one I see if I am a firm believer in would help me with one who won’t toil my love, or take me to a place of hatred for those around me, one I see has my best interest and would kneel for me when I can’t or have the words when I don’t. The holy spirit, my God, my twin, my instructor, my first confidant, my new language, my amen.